I need a chapter of my life to come to a close. When I look back on the experiences that brought me to the state I’m in today… I can’t help but ask why? How? What are these feelings that I feel? Am I still inside myself? The past two years I started to hibernate…emotionally. Each day that passed, I would bury myself a bit deeper and travel the route of least resistance. I ignored all those “Belly Feelings” and just acted as I thought I “should.” It was as if a shift was occurringin my life and I was to let this shift take me to the darkest places possible. I felt that in order to be succesful in life, I needed to go there and experience everything.
When I was in my last year at my previous job, I played with fire. The fire that only hurts really deep when you are young. The fire you can get away with because you rationalize it with the sentence, “I can look back later in life and say I have experienced this…” I was on top of the world! I had just broken up with a great guy, I had a great apartment, I was young, healthy, and very sexually active! I should have known that when the man my bosses daughter was dating came knocking at my door, I should have ran….very far…and very fast! But, of course I hopped on the train and took a ride. I covered my steps and kept my head up (I was pissed because she had then started to date my ex boyfriend). Then I started to realize that it didn’t matter how much work ability I had at this company, Steph (the bosses daughter) did not like me and what she says…goes! Over that 6 month period of Steph’s loathing, I used my co-workers and business partners as outlets. I have to say, when you are young and unmarried…you have zero knowledge of the affect you have on married men that work closely with you. I became very good “friends” with one of my business acquaintances and subsequently helped coach his daughters softball team in the summer. I thought we were buddies…pals! He would sit in my office and talk to me about interesting thoughts on business, the world, health, family, our (seperate) sex lives, etc. His wife seemed to embrace our relationship and how I cared deepley for their children. So after the year ended at my current company, I packed up and started working for Tim. We spent hours in the office talking about business, personal goals, family, life changes, our sex lives, etc. Each week that passed I learned more and more – I thrived off of the attention I was getting at this company! Most of the time we would be so enthralled in our conversations that the days flew by, going from work, to softball practice, talking at night on the way home, and early in the morning. I let my guard down and completely let him hold a piece of me. This was how I had always pictured my professional life! I was drowning in the fantasy world we had created…
At the same time, I started seeing someone from my previous job. I had always liked him and he felt the same for me – so in my book…I thought…”This is it!” I let him into my life/soul in the same complete capacity as I had done with Tim. Trevor moved in with me and we played house for a while. I was on a job high and now a relationship high! I started noticing his insecure controlling actions, but ignored these with legitamite justifications to myself, my friends, and my family. It was as if he chipped, and chipped, and chipped, and chipped away more of my true feelings and then backfilled them with a completely slanted view of reality.
Back on the work front, I sought advice on my relationship problems and why I was experiencing the things that I was. Tim had nothing but “great” advice and a completly different outlook on what I should do with my life. Every great piece of advise came with an equally explicit description of sexual experiences that he had in the past and present. …wait…were we not just talking about the advise that Tim was giving? How did we get to sexual experiences? Yeah…I asked myself the same thing. Most conversations were brushed under the rug and ended up delving into how fit, healthy, smart, etc. I was and how I was going to be a great wife someday. The confusion continued, but this transition was seemless and actually got my mind off of the hell that was my current relationship. Tim and I grew even closer, talking about what he fantisizedabout and how him and his wife had sex like rabbits. My head swirled as I thought of him like this…he no longer played the roll of boss. He was a great friend that could and would talk to me about everything and anything. One night after going over our softball practice lessons, he started to give me a message and then the roaming hands started. I immediatly felt nauseous. I didn’t know what to do. Thank god we were the only people at work. We both didn’t speak of this and then next time we were alone he apologized. I accepted and moved on like it did not happen. Idistanced myself for a couple days and then the late night chat in his office came up again…this time we stayed two hours later than usual and he talked about his feelings towards me. Tim countered his discussion with the fact he was married and in another life we would have been great together. ”I would marry you Jorden, and I would make you so happy.” I believed his bull-shit -but only still thought of this as if him and I were on the same sheet of music..he is married and I was SO much younger. The thought of this still made me a little nauseous. Every week that went by, he made up more excuses (I know they were excuses now) for lunch dates and coffee dates outside of the office. Here he talked more about his fantasy with me and how different life would be if we could live a different life than we had now. When we were alone in the car he touched me…various places over my body…I said nothing. I felt paralyzed. It was the most demeaning experience that has happened to me. I had told him several times (in a playful voice) that this was not right and we should not do this. As I tried to distance myself, his feelings grew stronger. I finally took another job within the company and moved to the next city over. I needed physical distance. And, after a year and a half of emotional hell with Trevor, as I moved out of the city…we broke up…for good. Thank God!
Over the next months, when we saw eachother it was like a reuniuon with an old friend/lover. He came out to “train” me, but mostly to feel the rush of exhiliration that I gave him when we were together. After more months of being removed…I received little training at my job. After navigating my way though the jobs ups and downs, Tim had enough with the space I had given and he started his private retaliation against me. I became the enemy. But, behind closed doors he still told me that my body looked great and that he just wanted to touch as certain part. Or, how I needed to dress a certain way to accentuate myself to attract the opposite sex to make a sale. I was completely confused, and swirling downward emotionally. My co-workers started making things extremely difficult for my success. The next year would be one of the most difficult and emotionally taxing year of my life.
So, this is my story…this brings you up to speed – this is where I am today. I still work for Tim (in the next city) and he has completely alienated me from my co-workers. I can’t believe that I fell for such a text book experience. Now, even knowing that this relationship/work partnership was diluted, wrong, inappropriate, etc…I am still “mad as hell.” My next blogs will mostly focus on specific feelings and thoughts that I have/had, but I wanted to give you a little background.
~Jordie
